The True Third Wheel in Your Relationship: Anxiety
It could be any good day. It could be going to the movies or just staying home and spending time together. Then you hear it: the nagging voice in the back of your head that makes you question whether or not your partner loves you. Or it makes you wonder if they should be with you.
It’s time to address the third wheel in the relationship: anxiety. Of course, there are many ways that anxiety can affect relationships. Still, I’m going to focus on relationship anxiety and dating someone who has anxiety. So, I’m mainly going to focus on romantic relationships.
Relationship anxiety
One of the feelings that I had to work on at the start of my relationship was doubt. I was constantly doubting my partner’s feelings for me and wondering if they would find someone “better” than me.
Whenever my partner went almost a day without texting me, I assumed that I had done something horrible and that they didn’t want to be with me anymore. Even if I didn’t mean to say or do something terrible, I was worried that there was no fixing or working on whatever I had done or said.
A bad habit in a relationship with anxiety is reading too much into their words or actions. This can be when they text you “ily” versus “I love you” and reading too much into the difference between the two. An example is if your partner is ordinarily talkative but hasn’t said anything for a while. Reading too much into that can look like wondering if they’re upset with you or don’t want to spend time with you anymore.
Some of these issues can stem from low self-esteem. Suppose your perception of your worth and value isn’t good. In that case, it can come out as insecurities that negatively affect your relationship. Again, this is another issue that took a lot of work to lessen in my relationship. We’re all deserving of love and deserving of having a partner who loves us. Self-esteem doesn’t necessarily need to be about your physical appearance, either. It can be about how you perceive yourself in terms of “good person” or “bad person,” and even wondering if you’re fun to be around.
Previous relationships are another factor that can have a significant effect on your current relationship. If you were in a toxic relationship before, it likely left you more alert or cautious when entering new relationships. It’s challenging to build trust with new people in your life when the hurt of past relationships is still there. No one is saying “just get over it” because things are never that simple. But it is essential to work on the hurt from the past to have your current relationship the best it can be.
Attachment Styles
Okay, so attachment styles are actually significant when it comes to relationships. I’ll focus on four specific terms: secure, anxious, avoidant-dismissive, and avoidant-fearful.
So, “avoidant-fearful” means that you’re going to be more dependent in the relationship as well as having an intense fear of rejection. This can also be seen as having high anxiety in the relationship and having low self-esteem. In contrast, “avoidant-dismissive” will tend to downplay the importance of the relationship, be self-reliant to an extreme, and can be more vulnerable in the event of a crisis.
A “secure” attachment style is being able to trust pretty quickly, communicate directly, be in tune with your emotions, and demonstrate cooperative and flexible behavior. On the other hand, in “anxious” attachment styles, the person will demonstrate behaviors such as struggling to directly communicate needs and “acting out” when triggered. An example of “acting out” can be deliberately doing something they know will make their partner jealous or upset.
These attachment styles will affect how you act and how your partner views you in the relationship. A “secure” attachment style is best to maintain a healthy relationship. It allows you to directly communicate any issues or concerns with your partner, allowing for compromises and better understanding.
Dating someone w/anxiety
Despite any debate about whether anxiety is “nature vs nurture,” it is genuine and challenging to manage (depending on the severity). However, suppose it affects your daily life. In that case, it can be difficult to enjoy spending time with loved ones or focusing on your responsibilities.
One way that it can affect daily life is by being distracted easily or having trouble focusing. This is because there are so many responsibilities that require your entire focus. It can be challenging to get them done when your mind is racing with all the other things you need to get done or thoughts of what could happen.
Being avoidant or passive-aggressive is another behavior that can affect relationships due to anxiety. Unfortunately, as anxiety can lead to feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, it’s possible to feel like demonstrating passive-aggressive behavior is the only way to feel heard or understood. Likewise, avoiding problems or avoiding talking about problems can also result from feeling exhausted and anxious about overthinking and stress.
What You Can Do
If you or your partner has anxiety, seeking professional help is something to consider. There are options of seeking couple’s counseling or individual therapy. Even if you don’t have anxiety, but your partner does, therapy isn’t only for those who feel they’ve hit the “low point” in their lives. Developing a better understanding of yourself can improve the conditions in your relationship by being able to better communicate your needs and any concerns.
Going off of that, communication really is critical in a relationship. Of course, anxiety can make it difficult to openly discuss issues for various reasons, but it’s not impossible. Communication means telling your partner when a behavior they do or something they said upset you. It also means communicating what you need in the relationship.
Even though it can be difficult, managing reactions is an essential step towards the right direction of a healthy and communicative relationship. When we get angry or hurt, we want to express that immediately. The issue with this is that it may not always be expressed healthily or constructively. This goes for both the partner with anxiety and the one without it.
By managing your reactions, you can still feel and validate your emotions, but now your expression is more constructive. An issue that occurs with immediately expressing your reactions is accusatory sentences. Accusatory sentences can be “Your reactions are always so extreme” or “I wouldn’t feel this way if you hadn’t done that.” Instead of using accusatory language, it’s better to use language focusing on our own feelings and thoughts. An example is, “I feel upset because it feels like I’m not getting to spend enough time with you.” This doesn’t accuse the partner of any wrongdoings and instead focuses on expressing your own thoughts and emotions.
What comes with managing reactions and communication is setting boundaries. It’s vital to respect each other’s boundaries even if they’re “small.” For example, if your partner asks not to be interrupted while they’re reading a book. Boundaries can also be saying that you’re not comfortable being affectionate in public. Both partners in the relationship must be able to communicate their boundaries and have them respected.
I’ll wrap up this blog post by mentioning three aspects that I feel are very important: acknowledging progress, listening, and ensuring inclusion. Progress can be moderate, but it’s important to acknowledge it as long as it’s still happening. Acknowledge when your partner improves in their communication or can set their boundaries more firmly. Listening to each other is one of the most essential aspects of any relationship. Suppose you’re not able to listen to the other person entirely. In that case, you won’t effectively communicate and work on any issues or concerns. As for inclusion, there are times when your partner can feel like they’re not involved in your life or can feel like you’re beginning to drift apart from them. Including your partner in your mental health journey and inviting them to small events can make such a big difference. Even if you think your partner will most likely say no, it is still important to offer them the option of inclusion so that they are aware you thought of them.
In a romantic relationship, both partners must be willing to work on themselves and effectively communicate their needs. Remember that your needs are just as important as your partner’s. Effective communication is key to working through issues and concerns.
